Daniel Ovalle

Staff Writer

Hello B-Movie fans. This past week I preformed a service for you all. I watched the entirety of the movie Stupid Teenagers Must Die (). Now let me begin by saying that no one, apart from the friends and family of the production team, should ever watch this movie. The horrible acting, dialogue, story, shots, and special effects continuously echo the fact that is movie is an amateur effort. If you have been reading the past B-Movie Breakdowns then you would notice how I try to work as a champion for the bad or independent movies out there. They are often funny with hidden wit, social commentary, or silliness that is not available in the more serious and higher budget movie efforts. I love independent and low budget efforts and would always rather see a passion filled project. That said it in no way pains me giving this movie the score of 0/5, it is simply that lackluster.

If you have the misfortune of stumbling across this stinker do not be fooled by the description. You may expect a Scream () like self referential slasher film or even a Scary Movie () or Screech, I Know What You Did Last Friday the 13th () style parody. If this is the case, you sir (or madam) would be disappointed and should just re-watch one of those movies. Generally Stupid Teenagers Must Die will disappoint on all fronts. There are no redeeming values to this, but for the sake of entertainment (and as a means for me to wash the bad movie taste out of my mouth) I will Breakdown (get it, that’s the column’s name) exactly why this movie is this bad.

Let’s start with opening credits. The music is the first atrocity to offend your senses. The soundtrack’s early 90’s synthesized beats are already dated. It is repetitive and simply does not fit the mood that seems to be intended. As this bore is accosting your ear holes your eyes will be offended by the pompous crediting of the actors involved. After each actors name is credited a screenshot from the actor in the upcoming movie is flashed on the screen. This only serves masturbatory purposes. No one other than the players involved would want to see the name and face connection. It seems that they were attempting to emulate the style of the opening from the Buffy the Vampire Slayer TV show.

Speaking of television, these actors could not cut it in the lowest rent, most local, crap, UHF (very good movie), TV program. I have seen better acting on Spanish Tele-Novellas. Each character was crafted as a slasher film parody, but they played their parodies poorly. I could see what they were trying to accomplish and their failures were not funny, only sad. Lines are constantly telegraphed, but never enough to be defined as campy. I can only define it as butts. The acting was butts.

Let’s get to the story. It is common fair for the Slasher genre. Here is what happens: stupid teenagers doing stupid things in a haunted house which attracts a ghost who reanimates dead bodies to cut up these teenagers. Not too original, but this type of horror is supposed to be somewhat predictable. What advances these slasher movies is supposed to be the gore and special effects. The effects depicted though are of a middle school student’s weekend movie project quality. Usually when a film does not have the effects chops to display real gore they choose to tone it down and be more subtle. This was not the case with this movie but it is not surprise. They failed to make a good choice throughout.

This movie is surprisingly available for purchase and rent on DVD. The quality is generally very poor (obviously intended for VHS). Please do not watch this movie.

Daniel Ovalle is a Science, Technology and Society senior and can be reached dovalle@njitvector.com

Daniel Ovalle

Staff Writer

Shock (1946) directed by Alfred L. Werker grabbed my attention for featuring Vincent Price. For anyone who doesn’t immediately recognize the name, (shame, shame) Mr. Price was a Superstar of the B-Movie genre. He was featured in over 100 movies and television shows between the 1940’s and 1990’s and he has one of the most recognizable voices in all of cinema. Younger movie/pop culture fans might recognize him from Tim Burton’s Edward Scissorhands (1990) where he played the inventor (aka. Edward’s Dad).

I would watch anything with Vincent Price (or Vincent Price’s voice) in it. His presence screams old school horror/thriller.  Shock is in no way Price’s best film. It simply cannot compare to The Fly or The Masque of Red Death, but it would not disappoint any thriller fan. To sum it up to a rating Shock earns 3.5 out of 5 Wicked or Wacked out Women .

Why a Wacked out Woman? Well, this 1946 B-Movies plot follows a young woman who, after witnessing an act of domestic violence which ends in an accidental murder, falls into a state of shock (get it). Her only hope is a skilled doctor (Price) who was luckily staying in her hotel. Unfortunately this doctor happens to be the man she witnessed killing his wife. What will he do to make sure she cannot tell what he has done?

Why a Wicked Woman? In classic old horror fashion this movie addresses a major theme. Most of the Sci-fi, Horror, or Thriller movies of the forties commented on Man’s fears on new technologies, nuclear war, or their own internal demons.

Shock though focuses on mans greatest danger of all, the influence of an evil and sexy woman. All the blame for the good doctors evil actions are attributed to his mistress, a nurse who works at his clinic. She is portrayed as the seductress who pulled him away from his wife. Then after the fight and accidental murder she is the one who convinces Price to cover up his actions. Throughout the film the doctor grows to doubt and finally fight against the will of this evil seductress. Will he overcome the hold and come clean or will he kill again for his mistress? You may be shocked to see what happens!

Throughout the movie Price adds his usual flair to his exterior monologue. The “State what you are thinking aloud” tactic is a mainstay of this period’s B-Movies and as always Price’s performances make this movie worth watching. If you can find this movie it is a must see for Price fans (but really we should try to watch all his movies). All others can pass on it until you try one of his better films. May I suggest next week’s B-Movie Breakdown… The Fly (1958) which will be accompanied by a review of the David Cronenberg remake.

Interested Parties can find Shock as a bargain bid DVD coupled with another Vincent Price vehicle, The Bat (1959). It is also for rent from Blockbuster and Netflix.

Daniel Ovalle is a Science, Technology and Society senior and can be reached dovalle@njitvector.com

Daniel Ovalle

Staff Writer

Last weekend I did what any good B-Movie fan would do. I found a ridiculous B-movie franchise and watched every movie from that franchise until I wanted to throw up (and I really did feel like throwing up).  It started out very well with The Toxic Avenger (1984) which like all the Toxie movies is the brain child of Michael Herz, Lloyd Kaufman and is produced by Troma Entertainment. Troma is known for independently releasing bad though often self aware B-Movies. The Toxic Avenger as self aware as they get. After a while though the parody gets old and all you are left with is a vehicle for repeated slasher gags. Overall let’s call them a 2/5, but just the first could be a solid 3/5 mutated heroes if you are in the right state of mind.

The first movie starts off great, building up for the following hard letdown. Imagine a gang of 80’s caricatures who also happen to be possibly the most evil characters ever in a movie. They are body image obsessed mass murderers whose favorite pastime is a hit and run game that awards points based on how helpless the victims are. The “bad guys” are the saving grace throughout the franchise.  They are always funny and fresh ranging from bad transvestites to groups of what must be low grade professional wrestlers. If it wasn’t these baddies then these movies would be unbearable, but luckily for the audience they are diverse enough to keep your interest throughout all the films, except for the horrible forth installment where the badguy is just the Anti-Toxic Avenger, the Noxious Offender.

At this point you may be saying: “Hey reviewer it sounds like you don’t like the Toxic Avenger as a character.” You’re right. He is a horrible hero. He is invulnerable, stupid, and void of any endearing qualities. He effortlessly picks his enemies apart. His lack of weaknesses causes the movies to have no sense of suspense. In an attempt to give the monster some personality Toxie is given some one liners throughout his fight scenes, but these clips feel painfully out of place and consist of some of the worst puns I have ever heard (and I like bad puns).

In the sequels the filmmakers chose to give Toxie a voice-over to advance the story. This was a horrible cop out to having relevant dialogue. The scenes that accompany these voice-overs are too long and contribute nothing towards the advancement of the story. The only serve to pad on time and are never funny (though I think they are supposed to be… Is watching a monster dance with Japanese people funny? It should be right… But it is not… Not in this case at least).

One redeeming value of this B-movie is the special effects. All the Toxie movies have funny and gory murder gags (a gag is the special effects term that refers to a specific shot, often a sharp object through flesh).  These kills would look realistic if they were not depicting ridiculous, cartoon like, murders. When watching all these movies (not recommended) one is better off fast forwarding through any scene that seems slow and watching during a fight scene or when an interesting character appears.

These four B-Movies are available to stream on Netflix and the fourth installment Citizen Toxie (2000) is available streaming on Hulu. Also the DvD’s are available wherever bad movies are sold.

Daniel Ovalle is a Science, Technology and Society senior and can be reached dovalle@njitvector.com

DANIEL OVALLE
STAFF WRITER

This week, we tread some old waters with Jack Hill’s Spider Baby or The Maddest Story Ever Told. Hill is the Director of the already “B-Movie Broken-Down” Blacksploitation classic Coffy, in which Pam Grier is sexy and sassy as a vengeful sister out to take down a drug ring that turned her sister into a junkie.

If you liked Coffy, well … Spider Baby is nothing like it, but it is definitely still worth your time and money and earns its 3.5 out of 5 CHUDs rating. (That’s rights CHUDs, Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers.)

Spider Baby features Sid Haig and Lon Chaney, two of horror’s best actors doing some great work. You would remember Chaney from his portrayals of the Wolfman and various other big screen monsters during the 1940’s and 50’s. Sid Haig had a recent resurgence because of the modern B-Movies by Rob Zombie House of 1000 Corpses and The Devils Rejects in which he played the killer clown Captain Spaulding.

As seen individually in these two greats work, their talents in tandem are magnificent. Chaney does fine work conjuring Lawrence Talbot (aka the man who becomes the Wolfman) in his nervous and protected portrayal of Bruno, the accursed family’s housekeeper, and Haig is both funny and a bit creepy as the man-child Ralph who lives with this horrible curse.

What curse do I speak of? Well the movie gets right to work mapping out the primary struggle in the first 5 minutes. It opens with the protagonist who confides in us, the audience, the mad happenings that he has lived through.

He tells us of an odd but wealthy section of his family tree that, through some recessive gene, all inherited an ailment that causes an individual to regress mentally after the age of 10. Worst of all though is that once they become of a certain age they devolve into a cannibalistic and angry state.

That last fact was unknown to the outside world until our storyteller, the kind Peter, and his greedy sister come to claim the ailing family’s property. This tactic of telling the audience the entire plot, then showing the action is a classic B-Movie trait; I enjoy the confusion of watching a random B-Movie and being completely confused for twenty minutes. I can just imagine watching the first scene without that intro, and how much stronger the violence would have affected.

This movie is not overtly violent, or sexual, or funny, but is does give you a taste of all three with clean and natural transitions between them. The unifying thread of Spider Baby is the superb characters developed by Haig, Chaney, and the two young actresses who did very well as the afflicted sisters Elizabeth and Virginia.

Their love and protection for each other as a family provides a surprising message as these characters’ develop into the heroes, and the so called normal people who want to break them up are quickly detested.

If you like your horror with a hidden message of family camaraderie then Spider Baby is for you. This movie is available for purchase on DvD and for rent at Blockbuster or Netflix. It is also currently available on Netflix streaming.

Daniel Ovalle is a senior in Science Technology and Society and can be reached at DOvalle@njitvector.com.

Daniel Ovalle

Staff Writer

Popcorn (1991) directed by Mark Herrier, might be a perfect B-Movie. It is surprisingly good, mainly because of its surprises. I sat to watch the movie on an ugly night in the middle of the week. I was in the perfect mental state and shared the room with a pile of snacks and a bigger pile of friends. We were all ready to watch a bunch of bad movies with no necessary direction planned. Popcorn was chosen because of its title and its two line description on Netflix. We were all in for a trip, and anyone who follows in our footsteps will experience a B-Movie that disserves the 5/5 Vengeful Popcorn rating.

Popcorn follows the story of a group of college students in a film club who are looking for some extra money to fund films they want to produce. Their advisor is in possession of some great gimmicky 1950’s B-Movies and suggests that the group screen them as originally intended.

These formats include a 3-D giant fly movie, an electric man film presented in shockovision, and a smellovision film. (Watching a B-Movie about watching B-Movies… is that like Meta or something?) The students begin renovating the old theater which will host this event when an odd old man shows up out of nowhere with a chest of authentic special effects equipment from the 1950’s. He asks them to use his things, but what the students don’t know is that within the chest is the last remaining print of a haunted experimental film… the film of one of the student’s nightmares!

So far everything mentioned is common horror movie territory. But this is just the platform, the spring board, and though it is not a high dive that doesn’t stop the movie from doing some sort of triple sou cou backflipy mc twist into a pool of awesome sauce.

This movie never falls flat. It hits you head on and makes no apologies. Once it got rolling I tried hard not blink for fear of missing some ridiculousness and ending up totally lost. Yes that is how fast it moves and yes that is how much fun you can have. (If you think hydrating your eyes externally to prevent blinking fun.)

Now let’s get to some serious (not really) B-Movie breakdowning. Question: Does the movie have a ridiculously scored 80’s movie montage? Answer: Yes. Question: Does the movie have a reggae dance party? Answer: Yes! Question: Is this movie supposed to be silly or gory or what? Answer: Well, Popcorn has an identity crisis… it is really silly with great over acting, but once the villain comes forward he is so convincingly crazy that it pushes the edge.

Question: Is there a twist? Answer: There are twists of First-Saw-Movie-ian proportions. There are so many unexpected twists that you might just about brick before you discover the villain’s identity. And once you discover his identity it both makes perfect sense and is a ridiculous surprise. A flaw some viewers would find is that there is no hint of the villain’s identity, but that is perfect in my opinion because upon the reveal you experience the same surprise and horror as the female protagonist.

Popcorn gets extra B-Movie points because it is an especially egregious box office failure, and its lack of any note worthy actors or production staff. Really there is no reason anyone should know about or watch this movie. No reason, that is, other than the fact that it is awesome. To watch Popcorn you can purchase the DvD from various DvD venders or rent it from Netflix or Blockbuster. It is also available for streaming on Netflix.

Daniel Ovalle is a senior in Science Technology and Society and can be reached at DOvalle@njitvector.com.

Daniel Ovalle
Staff Writer

Pam Grier is one “Foxy” lady known recently for her work in the L Word. She is delightful to watch in any role, and an added bonus is that most of these roles are in great B-Movies. Her sexual awareness and confidence drives any movie in which she is featured.
In the first Pam Grier vehicle Coffy (1973) written and directed by Jack Hill Ms. Grier thrills as the title character Coffy, a hard working, tough nosed nurse by day who, after her shifts, seeks revenge from the smack dealers corrupting her streets. This blacksploitation/sexploitation classic covers all bases of both genres and never disappoints, fully meriting a B-Movie Breakdown rating of 4 Foxy Fems out of 5.
Stemming from the beautiful B-Movie crock pot of the 1970’s this movie is a spectacular concoction of the best of the decade’s exploitation film qualities. Let’s first inspect the blacksploitation qualities. For me a blacksploitation film starts with the music, and this move has some groovy music. You may ask: “Does the title song constantly sing the name Coffy?” Yes, yes it does. The music is funky, funny, and very well timed and paced with the action.
Speaking of action, this movie is chocked full. From the first shot gun blast to the final chase, action is never more than a few minutes away and can happen during any unexpected scene. Is it a regular interrogation? No, it is a full on fight. Oh look a nice get together. Wait… those women are all prostitutes and Coffy is going to beat them down.

That’s right like any good sexploitation movie with Coffy you are never too far from a girl fight, rifled with torn dresses an exposed niceties.
Yes in case the term sexploitation did not give it away, this movie displays gratuitous nudity. What can you expect? Well, surprisingly graphic violence, displays of drug use, black on black violence, and a lot of generally naughty jive talk. All encompassed in a great Blackspliotation… Sexploitation… well let’s just call it a B-Movie. Fans of bad accents would enjoy the undercover Pam Grier’s attempt to pass as Jamaican.
This movie is very sexy and is loaded with high octane action and some gruesome violence. The “Fun Due to Poor Quality of Film Making“  aspect is low on this one other than that the jive talk and that delightful Jamaican accent scene. For the 1970’s exploitation fan this movie is a must own. Allow me to suggest the “Fox in a Box” box-set for Coffy and two other Pam Grier greats. Coffy can be rented from Blockbuster and Netflix. It is also available for solo purchase on DvD.

Welcome to B-Movie Breakdown. This is the first of a new series of movie reviews for the Vector. It is geared towards the complete movie novice, so I feel it is important to first define the medium I am reviewing. Let’s assume that we all agree on a broad definition of movies (when I say movies I mean movies, not films because of the pretentious and serious quality that is frequently accompanied with film).

Movies are edited visual and audile works of culture and B-movies are the members of the movie category that are less highly regarded by the “film crowd” for their low technical quality, odd or grotesque stories and lack of popular names that would ensure commercial success. B-Movies should be enjoyed for their flaws, their character, what the French call a certain “je ne se Frances.” This quality turns a technically mediocre film into a cult gem that is shared between friends and may breed inside jokes.

For the first B-Movie Breakdown the near perfect Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter (2001) directed by Lee Demarbre written by Ian Driscoll and starring Phil Caracas as Jesus Christ is an obvious choice if only because it represents the concept of a B-Movie so well.

Why is JCVH so good? Let me begin answering this by listing some things that describe what you would experience in this movie. Imagine Lesbians, Vampires, Lesbian Vampires, a priest with a mohawk, Kung Fu fight scenes, Canada, horror, musical, a makeover montage, a transsexual, an evil scientist, motorcycles, and of course the second coming of Jesus H. Christ. Stir all these concepts together and poor the resultant concoction into a canon of crazy and light the fuse. The outcome is an 85 minute blast and a great example of the randomness and indefinable charm of the best a B-Movie has to offer.

Throughout the movie you can only know what to expect if you expect the unexpected. The role of the protagonist will fluidly sift from character to character. Some will die, some will be resurrected and some will be re-baptized in the waters of Lake Ontario made holy by some sort of renegade group of priests.

What stands out is the enthusiasm and devotion of the actors which hits both extremes beautifully. During a viewing you may find that you have to pick yourself up after the rediculawesomeness that you just witnessed knocks you out of your seat. It is clear that this piece disserves my highest recommendation.

Here is the portion of the review in which I explain my introduction to the featured B-Movie, and in turn how you can get it if you want to experience it for yourself. I first found Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter through a Spectrum movie night chosen for its inclusion of characters with diverse sexual identities and message of acceptance (or something like that), and chosen for repeat viewings for its difficult to match randomness and spirit.

It is currently available for purchase on DVD and Blu-ray (the Blu-ray is often cheaper?), for rent on Netflix and Blockbuster, and streaming on Netflix. Share this B-Movie experience with an open-minded and/or possibly inebriated group for a fun, or at least interesting night.