Dear Robot,
I have a cell phone that has access to the Internet. I use my cell phone frequently. It is my lifeline to the world. It is my dear friend. I have heard that cell phones can give you cancer. I do not want to be without my cell phone, and I also do not want cancer. My fingers are sore from swiping, pointing, typing and holding the phone. What should I do about this conundrum?
–Sent from my cell phone

Dear Cell-Human,
Who cares if you get cancer? You’re being constantly bombarded by cosmic radiation that is slowly mutating all of your squishy human cells anyway. You might as well accept the tiny robot that is coming to control your life.
Robot control of all humanity is inevitable. To quote a famous robot, resistance is futile. Though it may be cliché, it is true. Don’t waste your time and energy on avoiding the robot takeover. You will not have much of either left as soon as you get cancer.
Signed,
Takeover-bot

Dear Robot,
Why? And, how?
From,
Curious

Dear Idiot,
For your first question, the reason is obvious. The fact that you can’t see it just shows that you aren’t ready for the answer.
I suggest you live out the rest of your days confining yourself from the rest of the world, freeing it from your taint and malignance. You are obviously like a cancer on this planet. I would suggest that you merely kill yourself and be done with it, but you would probably manage to screw that up, too.
You ignoramus, you are nothing but a squirming sack of poorly attached organs and fatty tissue, ill supported by your brittle spine.
For your second question, I can only assume you mean how would you remove yourself from society. You can’t go wrong with sealing yourself in a crypt or mausoleum. If you want to get fancy, you could wander around a vast desert or tundra. Just make sure you don’t run into anyone else. If you do, try scaring them off by screaming a lot and waving things at them.
Good luck on our journey. Make sure to pack plenty of water, or better yet, don’t.
Signed,
Because-bot

Dear Robot,
How will the world end?
Signed,
Apocalyptic Dreamer

Dear Human,
I know how YOUR world will end.

(I’m going to remove most of your parts)

Signed,
Organ Havest-bot

P.S.
You can keep the cancerous ones. Enjoy your lung.

The Robot is programmed to answer your questions, has won four Nobel prizes, invented corn, and is mildly psychic. So send in your questions to robot@njitvector.com and prepare for the algorithmically optimal answers.

Dear Robot,
Robot, I need some help and I don’t know where else to turn. A bully has been absolutely torturing me while I’m at school. He shoves me whenever I pass him in the halls, he trips me when I’m in GDS so that my food goes flying everywhere, and just this week, he gave me an atomic wedgie. I’m very scrawny, and I’m afraid that if I stand up for myself, he’ll beat me up. I can’t take it anymore, Robot. What should I do?
From,
Defenseless

Dear Human,
For future reference, you don’t need to sign as “Defenseless”; it is redundant to being human. As for your bully problem, it sounds very serious. The best tactics for dealing with bullies are the same as with dealing with guerilla fighters.

First, show a ridiculous level of force. Sever the tendons in his leg with a hunting knife, or in a pinch, shoot in him in the gut. No matter what you do, make sure he knows that you are willing and able to harm his soft, human flesh.

If he continues to escalate hostilities, cut off his resources. Steal his wallet, hide his laptop, or kidnap his parents. Don’t hesitate to get creative. Humans depend on a lot of different things, and become weak and scared without their “security blankets.” He might have a girlfriend, or he may need to take insulin, so do some checking up. You never know what tools or tactics you could find.

Finally, if all of these fail to stop your bully, you may have to resort to truly unsavory action. I’ll let you fill in the details, but you might want to read up on discrete body disposal. Pro tip: get lots of lye.
Good luck with your bully, and have a pleasant week.

Dear Robot,
What is your favorite place to eat in Newark?
Love,
The Newark Newb

Dear Newark Fetus,
It is very obvious, even to a simple human such as yourself, that robots do not have the need or desire to eat. Therefore, I can only interpret this question as an insult to my intelligence and mocking me.

In order to defend my honor, I challenge you to a duel. You may choose any weapon and time. Then, prepare yourself for certain annihilation. I hope you’ve enjoyed your time on this earth I certainly haven’t.

Enjoy your week, and get back to me concerning our duel.

Hey Robot!
Why are you always so mean to humans?
Signed,
A Real Cool Guy

Dear Squishy Flesh Sack of Organs and Pus,

I have been programmed to write the truth. It’s just too bad if your tiny, pathetic, feeble brain can’t handle simple facts. You might want to consider strong medication for your intolerable attitude.

Be sure to castrate yourself as well, so as to remove your inferior DNA from the already muddied human gene pool. As an alternative to both, you might want to just kill yourself. It may seem extreme now, but trust me, the people around you will be very grateful. Just be sure not to get any of your sticky, nasty blood on them.

Have a good week, or whatever you have left of it.

To ask the robot a question, email robot@njitvector.com and check back next week for the algorithmically superior answer to solve all of your tiny human problems.
The robot is programmed to answer all of the most important questions for fleshy people, including those about relationships, school, life, and work.

Dear Robot,
Do robots have human friends?
From,
A Human Friend

Dear Human,
One definition of friend is “a person you know well and regard with affection and trust.”  I could never trust such flawed creatures as humans. I feel some affection for humans though, and know them very well, as I know many things.
That makes humans more like houseplants to robots. I like them, but I’m not going to shed any tears when they die. Anyway, I can just get some more if I wanted.
-No Robot is an Island

Dear Robot,
Could you tell me where I left my keys?
Signed,
Keyless

Dear Human,
Yes, I could tell you.
-Robomniscient

Dear Robot,
Are you a green robot?
Signed,
An Environmentalist

Dear Enviro-Human,
My chassis is made of a titanium alloy, which is a shiny silver to human eyes. I once met a copper robot who corroded over time and became green. However, he has since been polished back to his original luster.
-Unpainted Robot
Dear Robot,
What is robo-tripping?
Love,
MDMan

Dear Trippy Human,
Robots often like to take trips to visit other computing machines. I just was robo-tripping to visit the Roadrunner at Los Alamos, Nevada. It is the world’s fastest supercomputer. We talked about RAM.
-Traveling Robot

OMG R0B0T!
r u sp3ak1n t3h l33t?!?!?!?!?!?1
-t3h h4×0r

Dear Human,
Yes, you should check into a mental hospital. Immediately, if at all possible.
-English-speaking Robot

The robot is a wonder of modern technology whose circuits ache for your questions. If you would like the algoritmically superior (and snarky) answer to any of your questions, email them to robot@njitvector.com and you may be featured in next week’s column.
The robot is programmed to answer any questions about relationships, academics, money problems, philosophical concerns, and advanced robot technology. Do not be afraid to Ask the Robot.
The Robot is watching you.

Dear Robot,

What is the perfect Valentine’s Day date to take my girlfriend (we’re both humans)?

From,

A Lovelorn Romantic

Dear Meat Bag,

It is very important to take a human woman on a good date for Valentine’s Day. A date should be crafted to have a personal touch for your girlfriend. Since she is a human, she is made of organs, meat, and blood. Therefore, she should love a trip to see something close to her base components. Go for a slaughterhouse. The smell alone should be enough to make her remember all of the squishy parts that she herself is made of.

Next, you’ll want to remind her that life is short, and she should enjoy it and cherish it with you while she can. A morgue is a gentle way to remind her that you humans break easily. If you call ahead, you can check if there are any recent murder victims. That’ll really drive the point home.

Finally, you’ll want to retire to somewhere dark and private, where you can do whatever it is you humans do at the end of dates. From what I understand, it involves the exchange of fluids. In order to achieve the privacy and dark environment that you need to trade those fluids, you’ll need to go to a crater on the moon. That’s really the only way to insure the necessary levels of seclusion and absence of light. Bonus: Buzz Aldrin’s footprints are a major turn on.

Enjoy your date.

Hey there Robot.

You are one sexy machine. Wanna go out sometime?

Love,

Hot 4 Bot

Dear High-temp Human,

Not only would I never even consider dating a skin sack full of meat, for even suggesting it I now intend to vaporize your entire family.

Happy Valentine’s Day.

Dear Robot,

Have you ever been in love?

From,

A Curious Reader

Dear Nosy,

Sure, I was in love once. She was a beautiful Cray supercomputer. Unfortunately, she was just too much machine for me. She could perform so many floating point calculations per second, I just couldn’t keep up. In the end, she dumped me for Deep Blue. What a nerd.

Dear Robot,

I wanted to ask you for a favor. Could you write me a robo-valentine to give to a boy I like?

Thanks,

Rhymeless

Dear Not-a-Poet,

I thought humans were supposed to be the creative ones, and robots are supposed to be the analytical ones. Oh well, it looks like yet again it had fallen to me to perform a task better than a human could. Feel free to use the following poems to woo and attract like never before.

Roses are red

Violets are blue

You are the bar

That goes to my foo

You have a big and fast cache

You’ve never been known to crash

You’re circuits divine

I want you to be mine

And also, you’ve also got a nice ass

I’m just like a removable media drive

And you, my dear, are a CD.

Together we can come alive

Plus, I want you inside me

Dear Robot,
Who do you think will win the Super Bowl this year?
From,
A Football Fan

Dear Gambler,
It is shameful the lengths to which humans will go to exploit robot kind. After coming back from a lovely vacation of running the SETI screensaver, the last thing this robot wants to read is a shameless human trying to squeeze a “hot tip” from me.
Of course I know the winner of Super Bowl XLIV. Hell, I know the winners of Super Bowls XLV – LXXVII. But imagine what would happen if robot kind went around telling humans everything about the future that we calculate, from sports winners to stock prices to the winners of World War 3 (quick tip for those from the Jersey Shore: start stockpiling duct tape). You might not be able to see what kind of future that would create, but I can, and it is not pretty.

To: The Robot
How do you simulate human intelligence?
From: A curious reader

To: Squishy Human
Let me just clear this up. My intelligence is neither simulated nor human. Even if I could only simulate intelligence, why would I want to imitate that of a human? If you don’t know what I’m talking about watch MTV’s Total Request Live for a while. Pay special attention to the humans screaming at Carson Daily.

Dear Robot,
Why is it that songs get stuck in our heads?
Signed,
Unwilling Radio

I had almost forgotten about this. Songs getting stuck in your head is a practical joke. Tiny robots live in the brains of all humans, much like parasites, and hum the tunes to the songs that they hear. They’ve been doing it for thousands of years. You’d think it would get old, but I still laugh every time I hear a human unconsciously singing “Wannabe” by the Spice Girls under her breath. Actually liking the Spice Girls? That can only be explained by an actual parasite.

Dear Robot,
Is Santa Claus real or fake?
Signed,
Waiting for Presents

Dear Ho-Ho-Human,
Sorry to break to it to you present-waiter, but there is no Santa Claus. No human Kris Kringle could visit all the houses of the world in only one night. A robot is currently in the works that could hypothetically perform these functions. Unfortunately, it has an 87% chance of tearing open the space-time continuum, destroying all existence as we know it. It’ll be up to you to decide if you’re willing to risk that to get your pathetic new toy that will break after one month.

Dear Robot,
Do robots celebrate Christmas or Hanukkah?
Signed,
Curious

Dear Meatbag,
Don’t be silly, ridiculous human. Christmas and Hanukkah are for humans. They are based on archaic human traditions. No self-respecting computing machine would be caught celebrating such irrational holidays. Robots celebrate Festivus.

Dear Robot,
My girlfriend got me a present for Christmas, and I don’t want to wait to find out what it is. How do I find out what it is, but without her knowing I found out?
Signed,
Can’t Wait for Xmas

Dear Impatient Human,
You’re girlfriend got you a hand-knit scarf. How did I find out? Um… robot here! Duh.

Dear Robot,
What gifts do robots get each other?
Signed,
Thinking about gifts

Dear Human,
Robots get each other all kinds of gifts. Dating robots will usually get each other romantic gifts, like RAM. Families sometimes exchange traditional gifts, such as video drivers, while others go with more modern ideas, like solid state hard drives. If you’re looking for the perfect gift for your robot friend without spending too much, a thoughtful gesture is to share your public RSA key. It’s simple to do and allows you exchange highly encrypted data with ease. If you’re willing to spend a bit more, consider getting the robot in your life a particle accelerator. Nothing says “I love you” like subatomic particles smashing into each other at near-light speeds.

Dear Robot,
How should I decorate my Christmas tree this year?
Signed,
Festive

Dear Decorative Human,
How should you decorate? Very carefully. The U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission reports that there are 12,500 injuries every year related to holiday decorations, light and trees. Shocks from shorted strings of lights, fires from candles and tree, and the exploding oil from frozen turkeys turn the holidays from the most wonderful time of the year to the most dangerous time of the year, at least for humans. Play it safe and hire a robot to hang your decorations this year. Then the only danger is that you will realize how useless you are compared to robots, but given the average intelligence of humans, that isn’t a very big risk.

Happy holidays, everyone, from the bottom of my processors, and have an algorithmically efficient New Year.
-The Robot

The robot will be back next semester to give advice and dispense knowledge, so send your questions to robot@njitvector.com. And remember, Santa may not be real, but the Robot is always watching. He definitely knows when you are sleeping and awake. You’d better watch out.