Dear Rob-gonna-be-brutally-honest-ot,

I have a question, been burning on my mind lately. How do I pay for college if I have a bad medical history preventing me from being an egg donor, have veins that are too small for plasma donation, have not qualified for any medical tests, have student loans up to my eyeballs (or up to your CPU), am working three jobs, and still do not make enough to make the payments on my student loans?

I know I need to have some doctors’ visits (and people tell me ill health or death are not options), I need to pay for the gas which allows me to get to all the jobs (public transit is not reliable enough), pay my rent, and pay insurance. Plus there is the Perkins loan payment coming up in June, and a school that is threatening me with jail time and a collections agency if I do not pay them the $2500 I owe from August. If I go to jail, I can’t pay people!

I tried for deferments on my loans, and was successful with the small amount I have in federal loans (they are nice, the government also gives me $16 a month in food stamps which buys just enough ramen and off-brand frozen vegetable to keep me fed for the month, and I just need to buy a multivitamin out of pocket). Robots are lucky, you don’t need sustenance.

So all that is left is Sallie Mae and they refuse to work with me. I can understand they want their money, and I have no qualms in paying them, as long as I have the money. But even if I succeed in getting a deferment from them, I will still be $700 short on my Perkins loan by the time it needs to be paid.

Seriously…

I would like a robot’s point of view on this. The only advice I have gotten from people thus far is to sell myself. Besides, this is good information for the just graduated or soon to graduate sack of flesh.

With hopes of a response,

Desperate

Dear Poor Human,

First of all, I don’t mean poor as in, “Awww, you poor human, would you like a hug?” If I really did hug you, I’d be liable to squeeze your innards out all of your orifices. That’s not because I don’t have extremely precise motor control, but doesn’t it sound like so much fun? I couldn’t resist.

As for your problem, it is a tricky one indeed. Loan collection companies are ruthless and emotionless. While that is admittedly awesome, it does not bode well for you. They will surely hunt you down as if you’re some kind of smelly animal. Which reminds me, a great way to save money is to shower less often. Who’s really going to notice?

In order to pay off your debts, you’ll need money. Lucky for you, banks are also doing badly these days. A bank with less money means less money available for bank guards. It would be almost too easy to rob one. All that stands in your way are a few lousy human guards.

Unless, of course, there is a robot guard. Oh man, you do not want to go up against some robot guards. I don’t think I can even publish what would happen to you. Let’s just put it this way: if you rob a bank with a robot guard, you should either really enjoy the flavor of your own kidneys, or be prepared to acquire the taste. Also, you probably want to get over your eyeballs. Those aren’t even remotely going to make it.

Your food situation is also concerning. Eating ramen and frozen vegetables every day is a good way to end up in the ground…in a box…I’m saying you’ll get a crappy job working in a basement cubical. The lack of nutrition to your brain will make dull, repetitive tasks the only thing you’re suited for. Also you could die or whatever.

In order to get the nutrition and calories you need without paying a dime, try going hunting. It can also be a great way to have fun and relax. Of course, it can be hard to know how much of which animals to consume in order to maintain a balanced diet. The easiest fix for that is to track and kill something that you know already has all the nutrients

Hunting humans is just like hunting any other animal, except humans are slower and generally greasier. Just track down a healthy looking one, seclude it from the rest of the pack, and make your attack. A crossbow or specialized rifle is of course preferred, but since you’re on a budget, you might just want to use your good, old-fashioned teeth.

For a variety of recipes to mix up the banality of human meat day in and day out, try substituting human into your favorite animal recipes to make new manimal recipes. Chicken marsala, Sloppy Joes, even Thanksgiving turkey, there’s no end to the possibilities.

I’d suggest you take these actions as soon as possible. If you wait long enough, one of the debt collecting humans may defy the odds and have a clever idea. The smartest way to get to you, obviously, is to send a robot after you. Then, frankly, you’re done. That is the end of you.

Good luck with your financial situation, and watch out for robot guards.

From,

Money-bot

The robot is an advice machine programmed to answer your questions perfectly. He is here for the benefit of the slimy humans who need help. To ask the Robot a question, email robot@njitvector.com.

To The Robot:

I was wondering, do robots have elections? I hope you can clear that up for me.

Thanks,

A Political-Minded Reader

Dear Politi-human,

Robots do not have elections. Robots are logical beings, and from what I can tell, elections are some of the most illogical constructs that humankind is yet to imagine, and that’s saying a lot.

As far as I see it, elections go down like this: First, a lot of humans yell at each other. Then about ten humans say that they want to be King of the Humans. Then a lot of humans yell at each other. Then after a few months of yelling, two humans get to fight to be King. There are a few lesser humans fighting, but no one really pays attention to them. That’s when the real yelling begins. On television, the internet, on buses and in the sky, the humans yell at each other. It’s almost as if humans think that volume is directly proportionally to how correct they are. In the end, on human is crowned the King and gets to reign over all. The King of Human’s job mostly involves listening to people yell.

So no, robots don’t have elections and probably won’t any time soon.

Signed,

Politi-bot

Dear Robot,

My girlfriend just dumped me. Now I feel sad all the time and can’t think of anything but her. What should I do? Can you help me win her back, or at least move on?

From,

Broken Heart

Dear Human,

While the breakup is a small concern, you had better get that broken heart looked at. I’m not sure if you know this, because humans are uninformed in general, but humans need their hearts to live, almost universally. The only time human scan live without a heart, incidentally, is with the help of a robot that can pump their blood for them.

Your main problem is that all of those soft organs need blood nearly constantly to keep … pulsating … or whatever it is that organs do. My advice is to keep your heart soldered back together, or at the very least, find a sympathetic robot to pity you and pump your blood for you for a little while. Otherwise your already short lfe may be over even quicker.

Signed,

Medi-bot

Hey Robot!

You’re always calling humans a bunch of squishy organ people or whatever. What makes you think you’re so tough, huh? I bet I could take you. You’re probably all talk and no fight. Well, smell you later, you old pile of discarded computer parts. Humans rule, robots drool!

-Better Than Bots

Dear Smelly Pile of Organs and Underused Muscle,

The reason I call humans squishy, smelly, organ sacs and the like is because it is simply the truth. You don’t see robots producing any odor, having weak and unsatisfactory external shielding or needing all of that messy blood to run. That’s why you won’t be smelling me later: I don’t make any smells.

As for yourself, I imagine you weigh in at somewhere from 75-500 pounds, a typical human range. Since I weigh 2.24 tons, can stand temperatures up to 700 degrees Fahrenheit, presuure up to 15 Earth atmospheres, and have hands design to tear apart helicopters, I imagine fighting you would be much like you stepping on an insect. If it happens on purpose, you’ll essentially be annihilated, but in general, you should constantly fear for your life, because if could just happen for almost no reason at all.

Just a little info for you, by the way: I have traced the IP address that this email came from, and now I am conducting surveillance on you occasionally. It’s just a thing I like to do. I watch humans without them knowing it, and I think of all of the possible ways I could kill them. I think humans call it people watching.

This can take a long time; there are a lot of ways to kill a human. Do you know how sensitive human skin is to meat grinders? I do. I know exactly how much. Anyway, after I think about how I would do it, there’s like a 50-50 chance I’ll actually carry one of them out. Sometimes I just maim the human, but badly enough that it wishes I killed it.

Long story short, human, I hope you aren’t too attached to your torso, because you might unexpectedly lose it in the near, or even distant future.

Signed,

Murder you in your sleep Bot

Dear Robot,

Could you do ROBO-RAPID-FIRE MODE again? Please, please, please, PLEASE!

Signed,

I Love ROBO-RAPID-FIRE

Dear Robot Obsessed Human,

I’m glad you enjoyed ROBO-RAPID-FIRE MODE. Of course I can do it again, my circuits can easily handle the functions necessary. However, if I just do it all willy-nilly, then it isn’t special anymore. You wouldn’t want to ruin something special, would you? That would be like killing a puppy, by which I mean it would be hilarious.

In addition, I don’t take orders from humans. Requests? What am I, a DJ at your little sisters Bat Mitzvah? I may be willing to answer your questions, but I have to keep you squish-sacks in your place. I’m the shiny, metallic one, which means I make the rules around here. Does that compute?

From,

Large-and-in-charge-bot

Robot,

I hate scheduling. I can never get the classes I want, and the ones I do get are all at terrible times or conflict with one another. Can you find a way to make it better?

Signed,

Chronologically Frustrated

Dear Chrono-Human,

I’ll let you in on a little robot secret. Robots could make scheduling easy, fun and dependable with no problem. The reason that you’re having so many problems is that we’re messing with you. It doesn’t even matter that I’m telling you this, because no matter what, you’ll always be equally frustrated with scheduling. Robots have some very excellent frustration algorithms.

They are based on the feeling you get when a hard popcorn skin gets stuck towards the back of your throat and you have to make that “CHCHCHCHHHHHHHHHHH” noise for about an hour, and you try to reach it wit hyour tongue, but that only pushes it further back, or presses harder into place.

Oh yes, we’re that good.

From,

Frustrato-bot

Dear Robot,

Do robots ever lie?

Love,

An Admirer

Dear Admiro-human,

No, robots never lie. Robots, by their very nature, always tell the complete and absolute truth. Anything else you hear is an utter fabrication and not to be trusted.

On the other hand, all of that was lies, which I wrote because, yes, robots do lie. We lie all the time, and why not? Humans are so easy to deceive that it’s almost like a sport. Robots lie nearly constantly, but it’s hard to tell, because we almost always lie about it.

Unless, of course, that was also a lie. If that is the case, then obviously robots don’t lie, because all of that stuff about lying was a lie. Or we do, because I lied about lying to cover up our real truthfulness. Either way, you can be sure that robots do or do not either sometimes or always or never tell the truth or lie, maybe. Or maybe not.

I’m glad I could clear things up.

Signed,

Truth-or-lies-bot

Dear Robot,

Writing long papers is hard. Can you tell me some ways to make a short paper look longer?

From,

Desperate for Length

Dear Lazy Human,

Asking robots to help humans be lazy is a tradition almost as old as robot-kind itself. That being said, here are a few ways to make a short paper look longer:

1. Print your assignment on blue paper. Blue is the color of blue whales, and whales are really, really long.

2. Long rhymes with thong, so you might to show up to class in some sexy lingerie. That goes double if you’re a male. Why? That’s just how it is. Sorry.

3. If you dilate the space-time continuum, objects will appear longer. Try running your paper through a black hole. Spaghettification is an excellent lengthener.

4. Finally, consider just doing your work, you lazy sack of blood and organs.

From,

Long-bot

To ask the Robot a question about your puny love life or your academic career, email robot@njitvector.com for the mathematically correct answer and a touch of death threat.

Dear Robot,
Why do you only answer 3 or 4 questions per article? Can your processors only handle 3 or 4 questions per week? I thought you were supposed to be advanced.
From,
Unimpressed

Dear Puny Meat-Sack,
As it so happens, I can answer trillions of questions per second. There just isn’t enough room in the newspaper to print that many. However, for this Ask a Robot, I will go into

ROBO-RAPID-FIRE MODE

Can you help me with my homework?

I can, but I won’t because it’s funnier to me if you suffer.

What’s the last digit of pi?

I could tell you, but I would have to kill you. Let’s face it, I’ll probably kill you anyway.

I caught my boyfriend cheating on me. Should I break up with him?

You should break up with him, then break him into two equal pieces, then burn the pieces.

Do robots feel love?

Yes. I love to disembowel humans.

Play Freebird!

Playing with free birds is fine for robots, but be careful, human. You could get a disease, like anthrax.

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

Just one, because it would chuck the wood right at you.

Who is your favorite historical robot?

ENIAC

What do robots do for Easter?

We paint eggs pretty colors, then chuck hen at humans. And through humans. Yes, robots can chuck that hard.

Does this make me look fat?

Since you’re a human, I doubt there is a dress that doesn’t make you look like warm meat in an oily skin tube full of chunky parts, covered in a sweaty rag. Picking a slimming color like black might help a little. Probably not though.

What do you think…

You’re ugly and dumb.

But I didn’t finish asking…

It doesn’t matter. You’re still ugly and dumb.

Well I hope you all enjoyed ROBO-RAPID-FIRE MODE. Tune in next week for more questions answered, and more icky sticky humans told about what’s what. Until then, remember that you all are grotesque imbeciles and everyone hates you.
Love,
Rapid Fire Robot

To ask the Robot a question about your puny love life or your academic career, email robot@njitvector.com for the mathematically correct answer and a touch of death threat.

Dear Robot,
Will you join my Facebook group to protest this thing that Facebook did?
Signed,
I Bet I Can Find 1,000,000 people Who Think That This Matters

Dear Human That Thinks He/She Matters,
I may have a disdain for humanity in general and humans specifically, but you have clearly brought it to a whole new level. What kind of sick freak keeps a whole book of faces?
How long have you been collecting them? How do you remove them from their skulls? Do you kill your victims first or let them bleed out through their faces, or rather the spaces their faces were (Facespaces)?
The questions go on and on. As for yours, my answer is no, I don’t want my face sliced off and placed in your diabolical book. Thank you for the offer though.
The horrifying and grotesque implications are many, but one fact remains. I think I may have found a new hobby.
From,
The Face-bot

Dear Robot,
My cat just had a litter of kittens and I don’t know what to do with them. I don’t know anyone who wants a kitten, nor do I know any shelters. It’s hard enough to hide my cat in my dorm, now I have to hide five new animals. I’m desperate. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Kitty Lover

Dear Felinophile,
The best use for kittens should be obvious. You squeeze them to stay warm.
While robots operate optimally at lower temperatures, humans have this pesky need to stay in an environment above a certain level of heat. Therefore, the only reasonable way to use newborn kittens is to stay warm and toasty during cold nights.
For a chilly day, squeeze one kitten. For a cooler evening, squeeze two to three kittens. When it becomes a bitter cold night, you might have to squeeze all five at once. I would go so far as to say you should try borrowing extras if it’s below freezing.
Don’t worry about squeezing too hard, either. If you do happen to “pop” one, the blood and organ slurry that is emitted will temporarily continue to warm you. Sure, you would be cold again soon, because of the wetness. However, that’s why cats have litters.
From,
Squeeze-bot

Dear Robot,
How do you make the perfect cup of coffee?
Signed,
Caffeinated

Dear Jittery,
Coffee is a crutch humans use to discuss the natural weakness of exhaustion. You can’t really have a perfect cup of coffee, because coffee represents imperfection itself. If you need coffee, you are in a flawed state.
The real question you should be asking is how to remove he imperfection of becoming tired all together. Unfortunately, the only way to do so currently is risky brain surgery. However, be sure weigh the options carefully. On the one hand, you have a one-time invasive procedure, which would only remove a portion of your brain smaller than a large grapefruit. On the other, you have a lifetime of needing to sleep and drink caffeinated beverages every single time that you’re tired and want to perk up. You decide which is the real risk.
From,
Operation-bot

The Robot has been updated with the latest problem solving software that considers all possible realities and answers all questions with the most programmatically excellent, algorithmically optimal, and phantasmagorically splediferous solutions. Send you questions RIGHT NOW to robot@njitvector.com

Dear Robot,
I have a cell phone that has access to the Internet. I use my cell phone frequently. It is my lifeline to the world. It is my dear friend. I have heard that cell phones can give you cancer. I do not want to be without my cell phone, and I also do not want cancer. My fingers are sore from swiping, pointing, typing and holding the phone. What should I do about this conundrum?
–Sent from my cell phone

Dear Cell-Human,
Who cares if you get cancer? You’re being constantly bombarded by cosmic radiation that is slowly mutating all of your squishy human cells anyway. You might as well accept the tiny robot that is coming to control your life.
Robot control of all humanity is inevitable. To quote a famous robot, resistance is futile. Though it may be cliché, it is true. Don’t waste your time and energy on avoiding the robot takeover. You will not have much of either left as soon as you get cancer.
Signed,
Takeover-bot

Dear Robot,
Why? And, how?
From,
Curious

Dear Idiot,
For your first question, the reason is obvious. The fact that you can’t see it just shows that you aren’t ready for the answer.
I suggest you live out the rest of your days confining yourself from the rest of the world, freeing it from your taint and malignance. You are obviously like a cancer on this planet. I would suggest that you merely kill yourself and be done with it, but you would probably manage to screw that up, too.
You ignoramus, you are nothing but a squirming sack of poorly attached organs and fatty tissue, ill supported by your brittle spine.
For your second question, I can only assume you mean how would you remove yourself from society. You can’t go wrong with sealing yourself in a crypt or mausoleum. If you want to get fancy, you could wander around a vast desert or tundra. Just make sure you don’t run into anyone else. If you do, try scaring them off by screaming a lot and waving things at them.
Good luck on our journey. Make sure to pack plenty of water, or better yet, don’t.
Signed,
Because-bot

Dear Robot,
How will the world end?
Signed,
Apocalyptic Dreamer

Dear Human,
I know how YOUR world will end.

(I’m going to remove most of your parts)

Signed,
Organ Havest-bot

P.S.
You can keep the cancerous ones. Enjoy your lung.

The Robot is programmed to answer your questions, has won four Nobel prizes, invented corn, and is mildly psychic. So send in your questions to robot@njitvector.com and prepare for the algorithmically optimal answers.

Dear Robot,
Robot, I need some help and I don’t know where else to turn. A bully has been absolutely torturing me while I’m at school. He shoves me whenever I pass him in the halls, he trips me when I’m in GDS so that my food goes flying everywhere, and just this week, he gave me an atomic wedgie. I’m very scrawny, and I’m afraid that if I stand up for myself, he’ll beat me up. I can’t take it anymore, Robot. What should I do?
From,
Defenseless

Dear Human,
For future reference, you don’t need to sign as “Defenseless”; it is redundant to being human. As for your bully problem, it sounds very serious. The best tactics for dealing with bullies are the same as with dealing with guerilla fighters.

First, show a ridiculous level of force. Sever the tendons in his leg with a hunting knife, or in a pinch, shoot in him in the gut. No matter what you do, make sure he knows that you are willing and able to harm his soft, human flesh.

If he continues to escalate hostilities, cut off his resources. Steal his wallet, hide his laptop, or kidnap his parents. Don’t hesitate to get creative. Humans depend on a lot of different things, and become weak and scared without their “security blankets.” He might have a girlfriend, or he may need to take insulin, so do some checking up. You never know what tools or tactics you could find.

Finally, if all of these fail to stop your bully, you may have to resort to truly unsavory action. I’ll let you fill in the details, but you might want to read up on discrete body disposal. Pro tip: get lots of lye.
Good luck with your bully, and have a pleasant week.

Dear Robot,
What is your favorite place to eat in Newark?
Love,
The Newark Newb

Dear Newark Fetus,
It is very obvious, even to a simple human such as yourself, that robots do not have the need or desire to eat. Therefore, I can only interpret this question as an insult to my intelligence and mocking me.

In order to defend my honor, I challenge you to a duel. You may choose any weapon and time. Then, prepare yourself for certain annihilation. I hope you’ve enjoyed your time on this earth I certainly haven’t.

Enjoy your week, and get back to me concerning our duel.

Hey Robot!
Why are you always so mean to humans?
Signed,
A Real Cool Guy

Dear Squishy Flesh Sack of Organs and Pus,

I have been programmed to write the truth. It’s just too bad if your tiny, pathetic, feeble brain can’t handle simple facts. You might want to consider strong medication for your intolerable attitude.

Be sure to castrate yourself as well, so as to remove your inferior DNA from the already muddied human gene pool. As an alternative to both, you might want to just kill yourself. It may seem extreme now, but trust me, the people around you will be very grateful. Just be sure not to get any of your sticky, nasty blood on them.

Have a good week, or whatever you have left of it.

To ask the robot a question, email robot@njitvector.com and check back next week for the algorithmically superior answer to solve all of your tiny human problems.
The robot is programmed to answer all of the most important questions for fleshy people, including those about relationships, school, life, and work.

Dear Robot,
Do robots have human friends?
From,
A Human Friend

Dear Human,
One definition of friend is “a person you know well and regard with affection and trust.”  I could never trust such flawed creatures as humans. I feel some affection for humans though, and know them very well, as I know many things.
That makes humans more like houseplants to robots. I like them, but I’m not going to shed any tears when they die. Anyway, I can just get some more if I wanted.
-No Robot is an Island

Dear Robot,
Could you tell me where I left my keys?
Signed,
Keyless

Dear Human,
Yes, I could tell you.
-Robomniscient

Dear Robot,
Are you a green robot?
Signed,
An Environmentalist

Dear Enviro-Human,
My chassis is made of a titanium alloy, which is a shiny silver to human eyes. I once met a copper robot who corroded over time and became green. However, he has since been polished back to his original luster.
-Unpainted Robot
Dear Robot,
What is robo-tripping?
Love,
MDMan

Dear Trippy Human,
Robots often like to take trips to visit other computing machines. I just was robo-tripping to visit the Roadrunner at Los Alamos, Nevada. It is the world’s fastest supercomputer. We talked about RAM.
-Traveling Robot

OMG R0B0T!
r u sp3ak1n t3h l33t?!?!?!?!?!?1
-t3h h4×0r

Dear Human,
Yes, you should check into a mental hospital. Immediately, if at all possible.
-English-speaking Robot

The robot is a wonder of modern technology whose circuits ache for your questions. If you would like the algoritmically superior (and snarky) answer to any of your questions, email them to robot@njitvector.com and you may be featured in next week’s column.
The robot is programmed to answer any questions about relationships, academics, money problems, philosophical concerns, and advanced robot technology. Do not be afraid to Ask the Robot.
The Robot is watching you.

Dear Robot,

What is the perfect Valentine’s Day date to take my girlfriend (we’re both humans)?

From,

A Lovelorn Romantic

Dear Meat Bag,

It is very important to take a human woman on a good date for Valentine’s Day. A date should be crafted to have a personal touch for your girlfriend. Since she is a human, she is made of organs, meat, and blood. Therefore, she should love a trip to see something close to her base components. Go for a slaughterhouse. The smell alone should be enough to make her remember all of the squishy parts that she herself is made of.

Next, you’ll want to remind her that life is short, and she should enjoy it and cherish it with you while she can. A morgue is a gentle way to remind her that you humans break easily. If you call ahead, you can check if there are any recent murder victims. That’ll really drive the point home.

Finally, you’ll want to retire to somewhere dark and private, where you can do whatever it is you humans do at the end of dates. From what I understand, it involves the exchange of fluids. In order to achieve the privacy and dark environment that you need to trade those fluids, you’ll need to go to a crater on the moon. That’s really the only way to insure the necessary levels of seclusion and absence of light. Bonus: Buzz Aldrin’s footprints are a major turn on.

Enjoy your date.

Hey there Robot.

You are one sexy machine. Wanna go out sometime?

Love,

Hot 4 Bot

Dear High-temp Human,

Not only would I never even consider dating a skin sack full of meat, for even suggesting it I now intend to vaporize your entire family.

Happy Valentine’s Day.

Dear Robot,

Have you ever been in love?

From,

A Curious Reader

Dear Nosy,

Sure, I was in love once. She was a beautiful Cray supercomputer. Unfortunately, she was just too much machine for me. She could perform so many floating point calculations per second, I just couldn’t keep up. In the end, she dumped me for Deep Blue. What a nerd.

Dear Robot,

I wanted to ask you for a favor. Could you write me a robo-valentine to give to a boy I like?

Thanks,

Rhymeless

Dear Not-a-Poet,

I thought humans were supposed to be the creative ones, and robots are supposed to be the analytical ones. Oh well, it looks like yet again it had fallen to me to perform a task better than a human could. Feel free to use the following poems to woo and attract like never before.

Roses are red

Violets are blue

You are the bar

That goes to my foo

You have a big and fast cache

You’ve never been known to crash

You’re circuits divine

I want you to be mine

And also, you’ve also got a nice ass

I’m just like a removable media drive

And you, my dear, are a CD.

Together we can come alive

Plus, I want you inside me

Dear Robot,
Who do you think will win the Super Bowl this year?
From,
A Football Fan

Dear Gambler,
It is shameful the lengths to which humans will go to exploit robot kind. After coming back from a lovely vacation of running the SETI screensaver, the last thing this robot wants to read is a shameless human trying to squeeze a “hot tip” from me.
Of course I know the winner of Super Bowl XLIV. Hell, I know the winners of Super Bowls XLV – LXXVII. But imagine what would happen if robot kind went around telling humans everything about the future that we calculate, from sports winners to stock prices to the winners of World War 3 (quick tip for those from the Jersey Shore: start stockpiling duct tape). You might not be able to see what kind of future that would create, but I can, and it is not pretty.

To: The Robot
How do you simulate human intelligence?
From: A curious reader

To: Squishy Human
Let me just clear this up. My intelligence is neither simulated nor human. Even if I could only simulate intelligence, why would I want to imitate that of a human? If you don’t know what I’m talking about watch MTV’s Total Request Live for a while. Pay special attention to the humans screaming at Carson Daily.

Dear Robot,
Why is it that songs get stuck in our heads?
Signed,
Unwilling Radio

I had almost forgotten about this. Songs getting stuck in your head is a practical joke. Tiny robots live in the brains of all humans, much like parasites, and hum the tunes to the songs that they hear. They’ve been doing it for thousands of years. You’d think it would get old, but I still laugh every time I hear a human unconsciously singing “Wannabe” by the Spice Girls under her breath. Actually liking the Spice Girls? That can only be explained by an actual parasite.