Aries: Let’s be honest. Do you really need those curly fries this week?
Taurus: I’d watch my back in lab if I were you–“Pin the tail” on the donkey can easily turn into a quick trip to the emergency room.
Gemini: I know you’re upset that you weren’t able to pick up your Destiny pre-order. What’s even more annoying is that your friends will probably be flaunting their copy of the new game in front of your face this week!
Cancer: Maybe you just can’t hunt but for some reason, this one dog won’t stop laughing at you.
Leo: Seriously, you have to go to sleep before 2AM, you’re starting to see things. Weird things!!!
Virgo: Heh, you must feel happy that Korra Book 4 was announced. (For those who actually aren’t, don’t worry Korra haters, I’m also a Virgo so I’ll be suffering with you.)
Libra: The news has been somewhat depressing last month. While all of the latest stories are seeping into September, stay away from chats about these stories. You’re only going to get called a sexist supporter of whatever everyone’s against, all of a sudden. Save yourself the trouble and do your homework.
Scorpio: You were so popular at the club fair! Did convocation even happen?
Sagittarius: Man, you should go to food trucks more often! I can guarantee that you won’t go home hungry.
Capricorn: For some reason, that douchebag sitting next to you during your boring Wednesday night class is going to be blasting some of that terrible Vocaloid stuff. Please buy ear plugs.
Aquarius: Oh man, you’re going to have a rough week. Seriously, you’d have more fun watching paint dry.
Pisces: After drowning an Axolotl in the blood of its kin (even though it’s an amphibian), in the depths of Branch Brook Park, with a wood carving of Jennifer Lawrence’s face in hand, you will have a wonderful week!