By Vector Editorial Board
Between threatening foreign relations, wildfires, a devastating pandemic and perhaps one of the most intense presidential elections in our lifetime this past year, you could hit us with anything in 2021, and we wouldn’t even bat an eye.
So what do the twisted writers of 2021 have in store for us? Here are our predictions for the upcoming year at NJIT. Absolutely none of these predictions should be taken seriously. Unless of course, we predicted correctly.
- Vaccines for COVID-19 will be distributed, slowly. But NJIT won’t truly return to campus until Spring 2022. We put money on this.
- Laurel and Cypress Hall will continue to be plagued by COVID-laden poop in the wastewater. Oak Hall will somehow remain untouched, despite all the athletes that reside there. Pristine poop. Must be something in the lead water.
- Another local Newark building will mysteriously catch on fire. It’s only a yearly tradition. Which building will catch on fire is the real question.
- GDS will place further restrictions on their food— you’ll only be allowed one serving of one entree per meal. It’s not a money grab, according to them. They’re just very concerned about our health considering the sedentary lifestyles we continue to lead. They care about us.
- President Joel Bloom is slated to retire. Frontrunners for his replacement will include Vice President Fadi Deek, Vice President Andrew Christ, and a Magic 8-Ball.
- The Coptic Society will finally manage to take over a vast majority of the positions in Student Senate like they always intended to. Their competitor Alpha Kappa Psi will launch an investigation into the votes, to no avail, before inciting an embarrassing insurrection.
- NJIT will, once again, NOT make an Office of Sustainability.
- Student’s endless petitions on eliminating proctoring methods will not result in any changes. In fact, they will get more strict out of spite.
- NJIT Sports will desperately cling on to the glory days of the 2019 Men’s Soccer Team’s championship victory.
- NJIT will join the top 100 universities list once again. The manner of announcing so will be awkward. We heard Buzzfeed has a list in mind.
- Someone on Student Senate will forget to BCC students in an email. Hilarity will ensue.
- The NJIT Math Department will be found guilty of violating the Geneva Convention with their latest anti-cheating measures.
Graphic by Evan Markowitz
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